The mysterious case of the missing fifth pair

Apologies for not posting for so long. It’s a bit of a false crime really because in the period I’ve been quiet here I have posted on Polandian more than once and also created some drafts for future posting so I have been busy, just not here!

I was in Marks & Spencer yesterday buying some socks and underpants, as one does. I should say at this point that were I in any way related to Imelda Marcos my “treat” would not be shoes but socks and pants. There’s something about a brand new pair of socks/pants that is altogether more satisfying than an old crusty pair that have had a number of trips to the washing machine. I’d wear a new pair every day and then just throw them away.

I bought a five-pack of undies…and here’s another diversion…..what to choose? Back in the day it used to be a fairly simple choice of Y fronts or Y fronts. Then along came boxer shorts, which I hate because they sort of move around down there, but go take a look at what’s on display now! You can choose from briefs, slips, hipsters, trunks or boxer shorts in assorted materials from plain old cotton to breathing, stretching, fresh, micro, techno, hypo….it’s enough to give a man a headache. I didn’t see any called “enlarging” so I decided to go with slips with a side order of hipsters in a fresh yet stretchy kind of material. Tried the hipsters today actually and they were pretty comfortable although I couldn’t find any trap door for tackle removal when visiting the loo. Given their all-embracing design it’s hard to know what one is supposed to do, either pull them down, which is a bit girlie, or shove your arm up the trouser leg part and yank it out that way. Neither seem like a great idea so perhaps there is an escape hatch and I just couldn’t find it? I have three pairs so I’ll give them another chance tomorrow perhaps.

Anyway, I’m not here to bang on about my personals. I went to the kasa with my goods and the sales assistant started looking for the magnetic security tag. It could not be found but in the process we noticed that there were actually only four pairs of pants and not five, as one would expect in a five pack. Mysteriously, the fifth pair with the security tag attached had been stolen. As this was the only pack they had in my size we were checking the discount applicable for the missing pair (scientifically worked out eventually to be 20%) when, would you Adam & Eve it, a lady turns up at the next kasa with a five-pack of ladies undies with exactly the same problem – the fifth, tagged pair missing! Holy coincidental missing pantalones Batman! What are the odds of that happening? More than 5-1, that’s for sure.

So, watch out, Marks and Spencer has been targeted by a group whose thrill is to steal only the fifth pair of pants in a pack and it has to be the pair with the security tag. Keep your eyes peeled and if you see anything call 0800 5 PANTS.


5 thoughts on “The mysterious case of the missing fifth pair

  1. LMAO! Now I usually only say “LOL,” but since this is about undies, I am allowed to add the “A” in there without sounding crass (ha). First of all, I want to make sure that you didn’t have your undies on backwards today so that the escape route was in the back all along? Now, you are completely right about it being girly, so if I were you, you should think about getting another type of undies soon, before your wife starts to think about this and begins to find you effiminate after all. Whatever you do, do NOT use the toilet in front of her with these new undies on, unless you want to put on a stand-up comedy routine for her and make her roll on the floor laughing her A off. I am so glad I read this before I went bra shopping, which I have been meaning to do. I am only hoping that my undies will not be as complicating as yours!

  2. Sorry, I realize I went a bit overboard with the first comment. I have to blame the hilarity of the post on bringing out the worst in me ;-). It was really funny, tho’. As funny or funnier than Bill Bryson’s stuff. So get writing on that book.

  3. Jeannie, LOL!

    Don’t know why it decided to not publish any of your recent comments, sorry about that. I hope I’ve kept the right one, well, I kept the most flattering one so that seems a good deal to me! First comment not overboard at all. Hope the bra shopping was a success?!

    Writing a book……hmmmm.

  4. Yes, you kept the right one–well done :-). I meant it on the book. And haven’t gone shopping yet but will not be shopping where they keep bras in a 5-pack so not to worry. I will, no doubt, be thinking of your Y-fronts and trying not to stab my eyes out whil(s)t bra shopping :-).

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