Nelson’s Christmas Message

According to ancient custom, the third day of Christmas is the day Nelson makes his annual speech to the nation-

“Dear human subjects,

I think it is worth repeating what my under-secretary of state said in her speech back in 1992, “2009 is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis.”. Horribilis indeed and all the more horribilis for those many subjects of mine who are still affected by the economic downturn. Of course, economic downturns don’t worry me too much because my slaves keep filling the food and water bowls every day but I’m sure that somewhere there must be people trying to survive on just dry Tesco own-brand cat food every day and this thought saddens me, a little. There must also be citizens who live in homes without radiators and underfloor heating in the bathroom. Their sacrifices will never be forgotten.

As for myself, perhaps the low point of the year was having my nuts removed at such a tender age. All I can say is it’s a good job I’m not trying to emulate Henry VIII or there’d be a whole lot of head removal going on! I was a bit down for a while after that, understandable I suppose. I picked up again though, driven on by the desire to chase Zosia around the house, bite everyone’s ankles and make tough-guy noises to those evil leaves that keep floating around outside the windows. There was that bad episode of digestive instability as well, that was pretty annoying, not to mention messy. My personal physician eventually diagnosed the problem as being the switch to that sloppy “gourmet” style food and so I’m now on a strict diet of Whiskas in jelly (not in sauce) as well as the Purina dry stuff. I’ve appointed a Royal Food Taster also, they taste everything before I do, in my position you can’t be too careful.

In my speech to parliament later in 2010, I shall be getting my message across to the executives at Whiskas that having a choice of only two flavours is just not good enough! I’m sick of both tuna and duck with carrots, why can’t I have a few more flavours? Why do the sauce eaters get so much more choice than I do? It’s not fair and I’ll be making sure that Mr Brown’s successor has it at the top of his to-do list. I’ve already raised this with my under-secretary of state but she’s a dog person so I hold out little hope of any improvement from that direction.

The third day of Christmas is also a good time to remember all the cats operating overseas as part of the Feline Regiment, who’s motto “Somnus et Nutrimens” is a constant reminder of their fighting spirit. Currently assigned to various secret missions in Afghanistan, they spit in the face of danger as they rummage through the enemy rubbish bins in search of intelligence and brazenly infiltrate Taliban homes posing as family pets. Without them, this conflict would be an awful lot harder to win. Personally, I think it’s unwinnable anyway and if I had my own way I’d bring everyone home to live their days in the basements of Warsaw but, some are convinced it helps the war on terror despite the latest terror being from a Nigerian living in a multi-million pound apartment in London. Anyway, people in my position are supposed to support out troops no matter how stupid we think the war is so that’s what I’ll do.

I was pleased to attend the meeting in Trinidad of the heads of the Catonwealth states earlier this year. We all had great fun lounging around the pool drinking our favourite cocktails – Dead Furball, Long Slow Sleep on the Beach & PersianColada. The hotel was great, the food was very tasty although with my strict diet I couldn’t really enjoy it all. We discussed many things, most of which I’ve forgotten but I think one everyone agreed on was to exile all vets to Madagascar.

Finally I should get a little religious, it being Christmas an all. I’d like us all to think about this business of “love your neighbour” and to realise just how stupid it really is! Let’s face it, your neighbour doesn’t give a damn what happens to you and if he can screw you over, steal your best toys and pee on your land then that’s what he’s going to do. I’ve seen them, the Persian, that ugly grey cat and his mate. They all wander past the window with that look on their face as if to say “One false move Nelson and you’re dog meat!”. To hell with loving your neighbour, I’m installing electric fencing and cat-traps.

I wish you all a fun-packed holiday and a great New Year. My resolutions are below, feel free to copy them.

  • Try not to get under big slave’s feet when he’s feeding me
  • Cut-out the ballistic missile impressions
  • Stop knocking the Santa matryoshka on the floor all the time, especially in the middle of the night
  • Forgive Zosia instead of trying to kill her
  • Make less mess when eating
  • Stop using the tap on the water bottle machine and dribbling water everywhere
  • Sleep more

PS – A free picture of me to replace those that have been hanging on your wall for the last year.

This is the tough look I use at defence meetings


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