It’s so simple that even Krysztof Ibis can do it. Here are the ingredients:
- A super-annoying presenter who is able to roll out the same lines millions of times with a smile on his/her face. Someone genetically engineered to to be a slime-ball, in your face, shouting, git! Someone who seems to have had too many Duracell batteries fitted. Someone able to make watching paint dry sound like something you should be doing, now!! Role model – KI.
- A bunch of “judges”. This group must include; a) the supercilious miserable expert who always says nasty things and gives low scores, b) the ‘C’ list celeb who might have at some point done something similar to what the contestants are doing. Preferably one with bit tits a silly giggle and few brain cells who scores based on all sorts of stupid factors like the colour of their shirts, finally c) a slightly younger and hipper version of the expert who mostly slags people off but is sometimes nice.
- A deal with a mobile phone company where you’ll make billions from all the SMSs that you’ll be expecting the population of Poland to be sending for their votes.
- A lot of deals with companies who want to place adverts.
- Someone to compose some “Jaws-like” dramatic music, ideally something like – DER DER DER DER DER – (with rising urgency). You’ll also need some slower, quieter music for those ooooooo so tense moments when someone is about to get bounced off the programme.
- Either – a bunch of ‘B’ list celebs to do stupid things with people who they don’t know but might be good at whatever is the theme of the programme. Something like singing, dancing, circus acts, ice-skating. I always thought leaping from tall buildings would be a good, but blessedly short, series.
- Or – a lot of lunatics from amongst the general populace and lock them up somewhere for months on end and see what happens. Somewhere like a specially built prefab house, or a bar, or something. I always fancied burying them in a large pit about 3 km underground but forgetting to install the cameras, and the air supply.
- Or – more general public to take part in any ridiculous game show that involves people winning money.
- Or – more general public who think they’re good at something, ideally singing or dancing.
When you’ve got all those things you need to do the following;
- Have lots of humiliating qualification rounds where the less good are made to look like utter morons unless they are SO bad that they’re funny in which case they come back later as special guests.
- Make everyone who qualified do whatever it is you’ve chosen as the theme of your show. Ensure that one or two are kind of okay at it, take the piss out of the rest.
- Ensure that people are rejected every week. Rejection is GOOD.
- Make the public feel involved (far better than feeling patronised or ripped-off) by having them send SMSs every week for weeks on end. Make sure, and this is important, that the contestants who are actually quite good, are not really very popular. You know, ugly people, no sex appeal, silly jokes, no charisma. That way you’ll have the public voting for the blondy sex-babes instead of the ones who are good and you can have the “added drama” of rejecting some good people and get shots of all the presenters and judges looking like ‘life is brutal and full of traps’!
- Make sure you have 30 minute long advert breaks every 10 minutes.
- Make sure the dramatic music is played in a really loud and annoying way.
- When it gets down to a shortlist of who’s going to be rejected, make sure your presenters do clever things like saying “You were utter crap this week, Tomek. So <pause for dramatic effect> unfortunately <pause for dramatic effect> Tomek <pause for dramatic effect> this <pause for dramatic effect> week <pause for dramatic effect> it <pause for dramatic effect> is <pause for dramatic effect> you <pause for dramatic effect> who <pause for dramatic effect> is <pause for dramatic effect> THROUGH TO THE NEXT ROUND!!!!!”
- Get lots of close-ups of the people who get rejected. Tears are good. You need to make it look like their life is at an end and they may just go off and commit suicide when they leave the stage.
- Find yourself a winner. Slap them on the back. Give them a free Seat Torreador family hatch and move on to the next programme.
I tell you now. If anyone comes up with another idea for another of these series, I’m leaving the country.