Survival Series – Warsaw mix

• YOU ARE TRAPPED ON THE TRAM SO YOU WILL SUFFOCATE

• PUT FOOD OUT IN THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY AND TALK TO THE CATS WHO COME TO EAT AND ORGANIZE THEM

• DANCE ON DOWN TO THE GOVERNMENT AND TELL THEM YOU’RE EAGER TO RULE BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOUR ARSE FROM YOUR ELBOW

• THE BREAKDOWN COMES WHEN YOU STOP CONTROLLING YOURSELF AND DRIVE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE

• SPIT ALL OVER SOMEONE WITH A MOUTHFUL OF KEFIR IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT SOMETHING ABOUT HIS PERSONALITY FAST

• IF THE COMMUNISTS HAD BEHAVED NICELY KRZYSZTOF IBIS WOULDN’T EXIST

• TRUST VISIONS THAT DON’T FEATURE FLAKI

• YOU ARE SO COMPLEX THAT YOU DON’T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND LIFTS

• WITH ALL THE HOLES IN YOU ALREADY THERE’S PLENTY OF PLACES TO POUR THE VODKA

• WHEN SOMEONE BEATS YOU WITH AN OGORKI YOU MAKE THE MIZERIA SHINE IN ALL DIRECTIONS

• USE A STUN GUN WHEN THE PERSON COMING AT YOU HAS JUST PARKED IN YOUR SPACE

• IT IS IN YOUR INTEREST TO FIND A WAY TO SCREW OTHER PEOPLE

• THE END OF THE WAR WILL BE A MESS

• THE CONVERSATION ALWAYS TURNS TO LIVING LONG ENOUGH TO FIND PCIM

• YOU ARE CAUGHT THINKING ABOUT KILLING ANY POLITICIAN YOU WANT

• YOU CAN’T REACH PEOPLE WHO CAN STAMP YOUR PAPERS, SO YOU HAVE TO GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT WHAT TO DO

• SOMEONE ELSE’S WALLET IS A PLACE FOR YOUR MIND TO GO

• GO WHERE PEOPLE SLEEP AND SEE IF IT COSTS MORE THAN 10,000 PLN / SQM

• IT IS FUN TO WALK SLOWLY ACROSS THE ROAD

• IT IS NORMAL TO BE CAUGHT AND HOOTED AT FOR STUPID REASONS

• BODIES LIE IN THE BRIGHT GRASS AND SOME ARE MURDERED AND SOME ARE COOKING KEILBASA

• SILLY HOLES IN PEOPLE ARE FOR BREEDING OR ARE FROM OLD LADIES UMBRELLAS

Does that make me a ‘conceptual artist’ or do I need to get my hammer and chisel out? :D

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8 thoughts on “Survival Series – Warsaw mix

  1. There is a very conceptual sign on a wall near Babka roundabout. What the author meant to say was that members of parliament are the worst thieves who steal from men of labour. Due to subtleties of Polish grammar, what he actually said is that members of parliament steal a lot of men of labour (I guess they take them away from factories).

  2. Ha! :D

    Oh, I have to have a go at this.

    YOU LIVE THE SURPRISE RESULTS OF wondering what Poland was like.

    IT IS EMBARRASING TO BE CAUGHT AND KILLED FOR trying to sneak into a sklep spożywcze without picking up a basket.

    IT IS FUN TO WALK CARELESSLY IN Praga Połódnie, for about 5 minutes.

    GO WHERE PEOPLE SLEEP on the pavement and see if they are just pissed or actually dead.

    IT’S EASY TO GET MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON EVERY CONTINENT TO read your blog if you include the phrase ‘Top ten naked pics of…’

    SHOOT INTO INFINITE SPACE and your neighbors will have a go at you.

    PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THEY ARE DANCING after six cans of Tarta Mocne.

    HANDS ON YOUR wallet may not be yours.

    WHEN YOU EXPECT FAIR PLAY YOU probably haven’t lived in Poland for very long.

    WHEN SOMEONE BEATS YOU WITH A FLASHLIGHT steal his batteries and sell them outside Stary Kleparz.

    THE BREAKDOWN COMES WHEN YOU STOP CONTROLLING YOURSELF and ask the guy in the shop exactly why he doesn’t have any change.

    PUT FOOD OUT IN THE SAME PLACE EVERY DAY and by the end of the week you’ll have a big pile of rotten stinking food.

  3. And I must have a go at it as well.

    You are trapped on a crowded tram … on a sunny summer day and you are only about 1.58m tall – you are encouraged to breathe in deeply and admire the unshaved armpits of the fellow passsengers.

    Put food out … – you neighbours poison the cats (“which carry flees and disease”), or, alternatively, report you to the police and straz miejska; the authorities come, fine you for the supposed mess, catch the cats and take them away. The result: the cellar becomes full of very clever long-tailed creatures but the neighbours have won (once again).

    Find a way to, pardon, screw other people – somehow you do not find this idea particularly appealing and you prefer others to do it to you. At least you can think of yourself as the last noble person, if not on this planet, perhaps in your dzielnica (district).

    You are caught thinking about killing any person responsible fo the maintenance of public parks and other (still) green places – sorry, you are no match for them; they are too big, too many and far too stupid.

    J.

    PS. Would you kindly refrain from mentioning Mr Ibisz and the likes?

  4. Jolanta: Sounds like deeply heartfelt stuff :D. Maybe there’s more to this conceptual art than Scatts gives credit!

    “you neighbours poison the cats (”which carry flees and disease”), or, alternatively, report you to the police and straz miejska; the authorities come, fine you for the supposed mess, catch the cats and take them away.”

    HA :D

  5. Poland is dog country, specifically the kind of dog country with dog crap everywhere, strays running around (or maybe they’re off-leash. Who can tell?) and lots of barking.

    Never mind that most of the dogs have ridiculously short legs and round bodies and are about the same size as a large cat or a caricature of a plump sausage.

    Oh and regarding the no change thing: I’ve almost entirely stopped using actual money. If whatever I want to buy is less than 10 zł I just add a few beers or a Coke or something and put it on my debit card. I hate all the damn fumbling for change assuming they’re going to ask for it …and then they don’t… or being in a hurry and then being asked for 3 zl and 67 groszy so I will get back 15 PLN. Or whatever. The only places that don’t regularly take cards are the bars and the kebab places and then I carry cash.

    PS: my cat could beat up your little dog.

  6. Brad, I couldn’t agree more. Poland is a dog country so:

    1) day after day I have to remove disgusting excrements from the pavement in front of the house even though the dog owners are supposed to do it

    2) I am called all kinds of names when I say to a dog lover “could you, kindly, take your sweet/cute/little doggie a few meters away to the park, please”

    3) I frequently step into, well, something smelly, when I accidently stray form the tarmac path in the park or I am not careful enough while in town

    4) day in day out I have to put up with the snapping and yapping of the neighbourhood dogs (e.g. for exactly 15 years, I was woken up at 7.30 on a Sunday when the next door neighbour went to church and left her terrier in the garden – the concert lasted until she came back; when the dog eventually died I was in seventh heaven, sorry).

    As regards stray dogs, I am not so sure, though. There are definitely thousands of them in animal shelters, some of which offer terrible (and I do mean terrible) living conditions and there must be thousands with no home and no owner on the streets. The words “neuter /sterilise” are not popular enough in my mother country yet.
    I suspect, however, that most of dogs you see in cities are likely to be off-leash (maybe I am too optimistic). Unfortunately, some city dwellers still open the door and encourage the dog to walk itself while in the country it is customary to let the farm dog off its chain in the evening and leave it fend for itself. In the Bieszczady mountains, for instance, one can see packs of such dogs which hunt together and I very unpleasant when met in the forest (guess who shoulders the blame for the killed deer and sheep). I have also seen such packs on a Tatrzanski National Park road.

    If one really wants to see stray dogs EVERYWHERE one should go to Romania or one shouldn’t, it depends on one’s level of sympathy for these creatures (in my opinion Bulgaria and Turkey are just a little better in this respect, especially if one ventures outside the tourist areas or knows where to look).

    J.

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